Sunday, November 2, 2014

Things (1989) Review

Sayid cured a guy like this on Lost! It's totally legit!!

Don't worry, the Bat-marathon will continue, but writing a review of this movie right now just feels necessary. After all, it's not often I get to talk about horror movies... and oh, do we have one today.

Things is an amateur film inspired by The Evil Dead, with all of its' action taking place in an abandoned cabin. The catch is that it's very, very amateur, with nonsense galore.

A creepy nerdy guy called Doug arranges a deal with the evil Dr. Lucas to somehow artificially impregnate his wife. Unfortunately, something goes terribly wrong and several spider creatures(that never, ever move on camera) pop out of her stomach, killing her.
Meanwhile, Doug also gets a visit from his douche brother Don and their friend, Fred(the only normal character in the whole mess).

As the "Things" roam around the cabin that's been cut off from civilization and apparently, electricity(although it's lit in odd dim colours throughout the film), Doug, Don and Fred must survive an onslaught of mad filmmaking.

Finding out that Susan is dead, the trio group together in the kitchen, drink beer, tell weird ghost stories and do some bizarre stuff with the freezer(Don finds a recorder with random devil noise inside it and later stuffs his coat in it instead).

This goes on until Fred
A) Gets sucked into the third, fourth and fifth dimensions(height, space and time?).
B) Gets sucked into a mousehole(which is on a shelf door up on the wall).
C) Suffers from spontaneous combustion.
D) Goes to get help.

Shame. He was the only character I liked. Anyway, Doug and Don roam around the cabin, fighting "Things" in their epic mission to go to the toilet. Doug spazzes out for no reason, Don beats him around for no reason. They go back to the kitchen and face the facts. Fred is probably dead(as Doug mourns, Don jokingly dumps whiskey on his head).

They eventually conclude they should get power back and head down to the basement where Don knocks Doug out trying to kill the "Things" and maybe gets the power back on.
Doug and Don regroup in the kitchen again, where Doug's hand is bit off by the "Things". Don decides to put his arm on fire. Obviously, this kills Doug and Don stuffs the poor creep in the closet.

Alone in the cabin, Don grabs a power drill and kills everything in sight until Fred reappears from wherever he was with a chain saw and joins him. This results in one of the movie's most hilarious scenes in which Fred is being eaten by the "Things" and as a talking skull, nonchalantly discusses the potential for having his head be placed in a robotic exoskeleton.

Don is saved from death by the arrival of Dr. Lucas who sees the carnage and assumes Don went nuts. Driven mad, Don pushes Lucas into a room full of "Things"(seriously, how many of them are there? Even one of them fitting inside Susan's stomach is a stretch, but they've killed like tons of them) that eat him.

Don escapes from the cabin and finds someone to take him away until suddenly he teleports back to the cabin where Dr. Lucas is trying to kill him. He forces Lucas back into the room full of "Things" and takes refuge in the closet with his brother's off-screen corpse. Until he gets attacked and dies. The end.

Things is immensely entertaining in it's zaniness. It starts off kinda slow and the Amber Lynn scenes that serve as a pointless red herring/prequel have no reason to be there, but when it really gets into it, it's hilarious.
The characters are memorable, the film is full of funny... things and it's definitely something you want to show to your friends.

You have just experienced a Rushy Review.

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